This time last year...

Last night I was standing watching Abigail and Sean interact. She was watching him make funny faces, high and low pitch noises for her, and she thought it was hysterical. But the look in her eyes was one of such love, it took my breath away.
As most know Sean and I struggled with getting pregnant. Part of me feels like I "lost" the right to complain about it for our infertility struggles were minuet in comparison to others. However I also know we might not be so lucky on the 2nd go around. And damn it, it was hard, it stressed our new marriage, and it turned me into a basket case. Sean and I knew we wanted kids and knew it could take some time so we pretty much started trying to get pregnant from the word go. After a year of , lets just see if anything happens, my dr. put me on fertility drugs. Thank GOD this was in the winter time for the drugs gave me a preview of menopause. I had the worst hot flashes. I remember coming out of Blazer games and walking to the car in my jeans and t-shirt in 27 degree nights thinking it felt GREAT out. Sean thought I had lost my mind. After months of the drugs not helping we went off to a reproductive endocrinologist. More months of blood draws, ultrasounds, more drugs, shots, and heartbreak followed.
Sean and I then made the choice to try insemination. We are lucky in that the infertility issues are on my side and no issues with Sean. We just had to "fix" me. Sean and I had many talks about just how far in this infertility journey we would go. We both LOVE children and got so much joy out of being with our nieces and nephews. But insemination was as far as we would go in our desire to have a biological child before moving on to adoption. We talked this over with our doctors and we came up with 6, we could give it 6 tries. At about 1,200-1,900 dollars a try, it was not an easy choice, especially since we had already spent thousands of dollars.
Many have asked why I wouldn't do IVF. Easiest answer and most truthful, I know my own limits. My hats off to those women who can go on to IVF. I think it would have broken my spirit. I consider myself a very strong person, but I am not that strong. I wanted a baby so bad, if we went on to IVF and it didn't work, I don't think I would have been okay. It broke Sean's heart to see how much pressure I put on myself to get pregnant. Looking back on it now, I can see how hard I was on myself. People would make innocent comments about us getting pregnant and I felt like they were direct attacks. I said we were lucky that our issues were only with me, and we are. But to be honest I'd have to say a part of me was sad when I found out everything with Sean was 100% or better. I felt like it was my fault then, all me that we were spending all this money, sucking all romance out of our marriage, and putting ourselves through all this mess. I knew this wasn't true, but it didn't stop my heart from feeling this way.
Sean was amazing through all of it, and I thank God he put up with all my irrational behavior. I also thank God that he never tried to sway me in wanting to try to get pregnant for we have the most amazing example of our love.
We overcame the odds though. On our very first insemination we got pregnant. It was labor day weekend last year. I was in Palm Springs at my best friend Niki's bachelorette party weekend. it was the day we were packing up and I was flying back to Portland. I did what had become routine, checked to see if I was ovulating. This was one of my issues, as in I usually do not ovulate. To my surprise I got a smiley face ( what the lovely stick shows if you are indeed about to or are ovulating). I couldn't breath I was so excited!!!! I ran and called Sean and he called our doctors to let them know I would be coming in the next morning. I couldn't sleep that night. My first insemination. What would it be like. Would it work? It turned out to be one of the easiest and painless things I had done to me in this whole situation. The next two weeks were torture. I analyzed and scrutinized every little symptom.
I told myself I wouldn't test till Sept 18th. Almost a week before that one of our good friends here in Portland called to tell me she was pregnant. The second she told me I had visions of us commiserating together over morning sickness and our babies playing together. These same friends, Marc and Amber (and now baby Jensen :) came over for dinner on the 15th. Why I don't know but in the midst of cooking and getting ready I decided I couldn't wait any longer and was going to test. Honestly I didn't think it would be positive. But all of a sudden my line turned into a plus. I just stared at it. Then I went screaming through our house for Sean. Shaking and hyperventilating I waved the stick in front of his face screaming "IS IT A PLUS? IS IT A PLUS?" My always cautious husband replied, "Why the hell did you not test with the digital?" Really, that's what your going to say to me in that moment? Sean thought the plus was too faint and wanted digital "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" visual proof. He searched our drawers and returned with a digital pregnancy test, and a look of "see I told you, you still had a digital test left". I told him I would test again later. But in my head I was already shopping because a plus is a plus no matter how faint. Marc and Amber arrived and we started dinner.
Halfway through I excused myself and tested, hey I have never been accused of being patient. I called Sean over to the kitchen where Marc and Amber couldn't see and told Sean I tested again. "Now? You couldn't wait till they left?" I just looked at him and he asked what it said and I handed him my "Pregnant" pregnancy test. The biggest smile came across his face and we hugged and decided not to share with Marc and Amber for they were celebrating their joy. Well that lasted for a couple hours till I just couldn't hold it in a moment longer!
Almost 8 months later Abigail Moira graced our world. I always told Sean we'd have beautiful babies, and now I know I was right :)
I don't know why I am sharing all of this now. But I was reflecting on our life a year ago and how much has changed and the journey we took to get here. Sean and I always comment on how lucky and blessed we are, the 3 of us (hey I think we are pretty awesome parents, she's lucky too). And it is true. But I never forget all that we did and went through to get our family of 3 (well 4, can't forget the dog :) not that it makes it any more sweater. However, it does remind me how precious it is and how easily it could have not happened. Whether baby #2 graces us the same way or via adoption we will be just as blessed and happy.
I hope anyone reading this that might struggle with infertility gets their miracle be it from modern science, luck, or adoption. Having Abi, and I mean just having her in our lives, is the greatest example of life and love.